Throw in the day to day needs of 10 children, homeschooling, and a few other things, and I was so over it. I was so angry.
Very recently God opened my eyes to what the "extra" trigger was that was setting off these intense behaviors - I was hurting. This spring I found out that our foster kids' momma (we fostered before our most recent adoption) passed away. My heart hurt for those kids. I was hurting, and that affected our kids. I still find it strange how the kids we fostered still have a place in this Momma's heart. For a moment in time, they were mine. And, I love them still.
After months and months of prayers being left unanswered, God had opened my eyes. I am so grateful for that relief.
Then I was asked to talk with another momma who'd had a loss. She spoke to me about her experience and shared what the Lord had spoken to her heart. And, as she spoke His words, it was as if He spoke them to me in that moment. It wasn't her talking to me. It was God. He said, "I love YOU too."
It was as if a bubbly feeling of healing swept through me, and my spirit is recovering.
To add to the healing, yesterday we did our usual "Keys" during lunch and dinner. "Keys" are questions we pull from a jar to spark conversation at the dinner table. These questions are little "keys" to our hearts. Yesterdays question was, "What was the best thing that ever happened to you?" H answered, "Samuel being born." This question was followed by, "What was the worst thing that ever happened to you?" H said, "Living with N... and E..." These were her biological mother and father. There was some silence after she shared that. Some agreed and empathized with her, and we moved on. Then today the question was, "Describe the most perfect day." H shared, "Having a mommy and daddy. That's just a perfect day." Others said she already had that and should think of something else that hasn't happened. She simply shrugged her shoulders and said, "It's just that, for me, having a mommy and daddy is the perfect day. It's makes the days perfect." Even with the difficult months that we have endured, for her, it's been perfect simply because she's got a mommy and a daddy.