So often we put out best foot forward. We put our best out there for people to see - through social media, for example. But the reality is that we are broken. I am broken. God needs to do some things in us so that he can do something through us. In order for God to fill us we need to be emptied.
When we were in Ukraine and Chris needed to return home to our other 4 children and to work, I was left in a country who was in the middle of war (while it wasn't super scary as one might imagine) with very limited communication due to language difference. Then, my phone, my only form of communication to my family in the United States, broke. In the moments that followed the realization that my phone had cracked, I cried out to God from my inmost being. Even through cancer, I don't think I felt such a purging feeling. His response? You're becoming empty, and it hurts.
Yesterday was another day of my emptying. Since coming home, we've had issues and bad behaviors to work through that were rather difficult. But, given that I tend to expect the worse, and we have fostered children, I had either planned my response or at least planned what I wouldn't do. Some of these behaviors are completely typical and come from all 9 kids at some point. Some were just from our newest additions but still things that are typical given their experiences. Still, this past month of being home has been fun and full of new experiences, love, and laughter. But I struggle with the child who is me-made-over. I expressed my challenge to some yesterday, who expected our newly adopted children to be the ones who were pushing me beyond my limits. However, that was not the case. Several gave advise that I am so grateful for, and God even sent an email from Focus on the Family that addressed the problem - me. You see, this particular child is my biological child, and sources tell me that she is exactly like me. These sources - my parents - are trustworthy. I am in awe most days how she truly is me-made-over. The problem is that all of my weaknesses stand before me, some of which God and I are still working through, and now I have two of me to work on...which results in a dual between two stubborn goats, if you needed a mental picture. Sometimes I feel like we have horns entangled and can't get away from one another. After reading this post from Focus on the Family (click to read), I realized that while I mostly discipline my other children, I punish Elisa because I see me in her. It's easier for me to apply grace and mercy to others, but not as easy to apply it to myself. I see my own failures from certain personality traits when I see her defiance and disobedience, then I subconsciously apply a punishment that I feel she deserves. This is not mercy. This is judgement. My goal for my children, even when they are me-made-over, is redemption, not retribution. I'm grateful that God's mercies are new each morning.
Lamentations 3:22-23
Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed,
for his compassions never fail.
They are new every morning;
great is your faithfulness.
I get to see that cute little face walk to me, arms open wide, and tell me that she loves me. She will say, "You are beautiful, Mommy." She's so loving and passionate. And, 2 seconds later when I hear the screeching screams because I've told her to take her pull up off and put on some panties, I'll remember that this is my time of emptying. God is emptying me of me, so that He can fill me with all of Him. There's nothing I want more than to be filled with Him.