With her finger in the air, she says, "Just a minute, Mom. I'm talking to baby Samuel." Then she continues to talk to him while rubbing the bridge of his nose...
"Samuel, you are so sweet, and I love you. You grew in Mommy's tummy. But many tomorrows ago, Momma was very sick (cancer) and took a medicine (chemo) that the doctors gave her that made her stuff in her tummy not be able to make babies. But we prayed, and God healed her. And then she had a baby, and that was you, Samuel, and I love you."
For those who don't know, this little Elisa is the child we were expecting when I was diagnosed with cancer in 2010. It amazes me that it's been 5 years since then, and when I had a c-section with Samuel (because he was large and began to have a decreased heart rate with the several hours or pushing), my doctor checked out the tissues inside. She kept telling me while on the operating table, "Everything looks so good! I can't see any damage! I can't even tell that your muscles have carried 4 children. Your organs look so healthy!!!" I asked her why she seemed so surprised and if she was looking for damage from the chemo. She said, "Yes! I can't see any damage at all!" I share this because of a great God who heals. I was scheduled for 12 rounds of an intense chemo, but I became toxic and could only take 8. Even today, my finger tips and toes are numb from the toxicity of the chemo. It's a reminder to me of the journey from 2010, and when I try to button tiny little buttons or when I get burned because I didn't feel my finger touch that hot pot, I remember all that God has brought us through and how much He has restored in our lives.
I wish that I always shared about my great big God who heals. Sunday we made a stop at the grocery store to get food for our first co-op day, and I saw a young lady with a port. I asked if she's a survivor, and she said yes. She was super surprised that I knew that. I told her that I noticed her scars and her port, and I have those same scars. My port was removed, but I knew what one looked like under the skin. I let her know that I was 5 years passed that journey, but you know what I forgot to share? I forgot to share about my Jesus. What a failure. I apologized to God for not mentioning Him. Friends, let's not forget what God has done in our lives. It's written that it rains on the just and the unjust. We get what this fallen world has to offer, but we, as Jesus lovin' people, get what God has to offer too. We get hope. We get His unfailing love. We get forgiveness. We get an eternal life with Him that is far more than we can ask for or imagine. Though we walk through this valley of death, we don't have to fear the evil in this world. We are promised that He will walk with us. He will comfort us. God prepares a table before us in the presence of our enemy. I should have shared this with her. I should have shared how God has healed, and how, though they may have told her she can't give birth, ... there's a living God who's plans trump any plans the enemy has against us, and any diagnosis the doctors have given. But, I failed, and I didn't share about my great God, my Hope, my Healer.
I pondered these things as we went to get some gas and got some cash to purchase some fencing for our chicken pen. We met a man who'd lost his dad recently, and I got to witness my wonderful husband share about our God of Hope, our God who heals. I knew my husband when God was far from his mind and heart, and I am blessed to get to live this life with him, this life of following God on this amazing journey. There's been a lot of healing in Chris's heart and mind as well. And, he pulled from that to bring hope to this man that we met. When we got back into the van, I told Chris how I had failed to do the same. He encouraged me by telling me that my energy and the way I view our cancer journey made that young lady wonder why I had this great energy and that smile on my face. At that moment, I prayed that she was wondering where that energy and joy comes from. It is most definitely this God of hope.